Deliverance
by Trunks lil' sis
Summary: Almost directly after their adventure there are strong, unresolved issues that Carl feels must be brought forward. Slash CarlGabriel
1. Chapter One

Deliverance By: Trunks Lil Sis Authors Notes: This just started randomly after seeing the movie and deciding that Carl and Gabriel so could have something going on. It's filled with Angst and I didn't expect it to be a series, considering I have other out there, but the end of this is kind of hinting into one . . . odd . . . . well, tell me what you think. This is SLASH. Get over it if you don't like it. It isn't going anywhere, I assure you of this.  
  
Deliverance:  
  
The Vatican had never looked so dreary, Gabriel Van Helsing observed. He took the steps two at a time, forgetful of his much shorter companion that dragged behind. He could think nothing of the next case he would face, or perhaps even resting. He was completely taken with depression. He had lost the last heir to the Valerious family. He had lost her by his own doing.  
  
Carl, the Friar said nothing of his friend's rough and now often brash actions. He needn't look hard to find the sorrow and self hatred the dark haired man carried. Carl himself felt this way when he began to dwell on the thought too long. He wanted to be happy and knew that Anna had found her way to her family. That she was truly at peace. He forced himself to believe there was naught he could have done.  
  
Things happened for a reason, he thought logically. Yes, the blood line would run dry with Anna's death, but they would never be forgotten. The people of Transylvania would carry on the memory of their beloved princess. No, there wasn't a chance she could be forgotten. History would not permit that.  
  
Besides, Carl had urgent and far more pressing matter to attend to. The order would not be pleased with him, for he had gone against their wishes. They had ordered him to have Gabriel destroy the Frankenstein monster. They feared for the safety of people of riots began over him. But instead, Carl found his own heart would not permit the destruction, and in this moment of weakness, he had also neglected to mention Gabriel's infection—which surely they knew of by now.  
  
Confession. Yes, confession was the first on his list. Then he would then attempt to comfort his friend, whom he was sure wanted nothing of the sort. At least he would not attempt it at the moment. Who knew what the night would bring.  
  
But Carl understood what type of a man Gabriel Van Helsing was, not from his friend's lack of evasion. He knew quite plainly the burden that weighed upon strong, but breakable shoulders. He put up a strong exterior because he hurt deeply on the inside. Carl found that many great men dealt with their pain along these ways. Every time murder met his ears, Gabriel faltered just a bit, and Carl believed it was even worse when they called him hero.  
  
Carl wasn't sure if Gabriel loved Anna and part of him grew dark with jealously that he flung away almost immediately. He was a Friar, and he had no place for such feelings. Gabriel was his friend, as was Anna, and he tarnished the both of them by harboring such thoughts.  
  
Yes, confession would be lengthy upon this night.  
  
And indeed, after many hours and a few passed tears he set aside past events and made the long journey up many flights of stairs. He paused in front of the wooden door, not afraid, or intimidated, merely composing himself for the long talk ahead. Convincing Gabriel Van Helsing of anything he did not want to believe was bound to be difficult. And convincing him Anna's death had not been his fault, but the werewolf instead, would be nearly impossible.  
  
"Van Helsing? Gabriel?" Carl knocked soundly on the door, finding it safer to call his surname first. "Is it alright if I am to come in?"  
  
Upon receiving no answer he hesitated, then pushed forward, determined to speak to the stubborn man that very evening.  
  
"Why do you persistently pester me, Carl? Can you not grant me a small amount of peace?"  
  
Carl looked upon his friend, standing near a grand window, stone face in place. "We'll someone had to come dig you out of the hole, and lucky me, I picked the short straw." Both knew his façade was fake, but neither said a word of it.  
  
Carl instead moved to the basin and poured fresh, cool water, playing the part of servant. He ignored this, remembering while he was a Friar, he was also a friend. "Honestly, you must take better care of yourself. Mustn't become sick."  
  
"Perhaps if I were to become sick God would take my life and the devil my soul. At least then redemption would come and I could pass in peace."  
  
The Friar rolled his eyes. "Come off it, and come wash yourself. You aren't fooling anyone with the smell you're giving off. Smelled it all the way down in confession, I did."  
  
"I cared for her."  
  
Carl sighed, biting back tears that should not have made their way to the surface. "I know this Gabriel. And she loved you in return. But God works in ways we cannot understand. He ultimately knows what is best for us, and we must walk in faith. Anna did not die in vain, nor did you murder her."  
  
"You were there Carl, do not doubt my words. I drove her forward, and in the end held her back. Her death lays upon my hands and her blood upon my heart for the rest of my life. I will find neither solace nor peace before death."  
  
Lightening flash reflexes that had saved Van Helping's life many times before, were not nearly fast enough to block the soft shoe of an angry Friar. He turned after the blunt object struck the back of his head in anger, but upon seeing the face of a dear friend, his features took on a sorrowful appearance.  
  
Carl was crying. His short, but brave friend, who always complained about the task but never backed out of it was crying. Carl who had never let him down and the same man whose inventions had saved him countless times was crying. Neither at the death of his fellow Friars or the death of Anna had he cried. Yet now he allowed the wet tears to dampen his face. Why was this so?  
  
"Yes, Gabriel, you have the right to morn her, as we all do. She was a strong, beautiful and courageous woman who fought until the very end to save you. We all miss her dearly, but most of us accept that she has found peace. She is with her father and mother and brother, and you cannot take that from her."  
  
Carl made a trip around the room to retrieve his shoe. "What you fail to see, my friend, the left hand of God, is that there are those here who still care for you. We do not care to see you waste away into nothing. And I most certainly will not stand for it. Many times have you saved innocent lives, and it is not the method that matters. God would not approve and God would not will it, if you were not correct."  
  
"Anna was innocent. What of that, my friend? What of the woman I killed?"  
  
Carl raised his shoe again, threatening to hurl it once more if necessary. "What is so terribly hard to understand? Do you not understand the words that come from my mouth? God would not allow it if it were not predestined. Anna gave her life so you could continue to save others. She made her choice, and it was a selfless, pure choice. Now it is time for you to make a choice."  
  
"You speak of those who care for me, dare I say love me? How is this possible, Friar? I am Gabriel Van Helsing. I murder and steal. I am but a ghost to the world. Few know of me, and even fewer of my plights. So speak! Tell me, whom I should carry on for. Who will wait for me?"  
  
In the last minute of desperation, Carl threw down his shoe and flew swiftly to the door. "It is I who loves you, Gabriel. It is I would worries for you, and prays for you. I see your battle with inner demons and I who you with those outside. I would stand by your side until the end, and I would care little of myself, to see you happy. I defy God for you!"  
  
Carl was then gone, and Gabriel alone. As it was intended, as it would be for a very long time if something was not done. 


	2. Chapter Two

Deliverance 2/? Summary: Almost directly after their adventure, there are strong, unresolved issues that Carl feels must be brought forward. Warnings: shiver Mentions of Het between Anna and Gabriel . . . just ignore those, they aren't important. Rating: Pg-13? Maybe R in the Future  
  
After the first day Carl stopped counting. After the first day it didn't matter how long he prayed, how many times he asked for forgiveness, and certainly there wasn't a reason for him to feel as if he deserved any sort of amnesty. He had pleaded his case to the other fathers. He sought some sort of solace from his mind and actions.  
  
He sat now huddled in his room, in a kneeling position not caring that his legs had gone numb hours ago. There had to be something more he could do, he reasoned. Praying for the rest of his life would not excuse his actions, therefore further steps had to be taken. God knew of his sin, and only time would renew the faith.  
  
Even as he prayed, sin corrupted his mind and he dwelled on the thought of Gabriel Van Helsing.  
  
At first his thoughts were of sadness. He had probably ruined his friendship, and the man's thoughts for many years. He couldn't imagine the things running through his friend's head, and he couldn't comprehend his own.  
  
Then the concern slowly turned back to desire, and Carl hated himself. He hated that he wanted the dark, mysterious man. He wanted those strong arms to hold him tight and the commanding voice to parry with him on his inventions again. He just wanted the man to look at him with something more than friendship.  
  
It took him several tries before he could climb to his feet. His legs and feet tingled and he could barely feel the dead weight. Resting on his hard bed he allowed the blood to flow freely to his lower body and twisted his hands in his lap. Confession wasn't enough. He had to show God he was truly sorry for allowing sinful thoughts to invade his mind. He had to prove that he did not want sexual relations with a man.  
  
For days Gabriel had attempted to see Carl. In the beginning there wasn't a real reason for it, and he found with thought he didn't know what he would actually say to Carl. He didn't know how to react to what his friend had said; he just knew he had to see him. He had to let Carl know he didn't hate him.  
  
After many failed attempts and having been turned away by friars and men of the cloth alike, he retired to his room to actually think on Carl's words. He truly had never considered a relationship with a man, but upon further deliberation he decided he was not fully against it.  
  
Yes, he had been influenced greatly by the church's codes and laws, but he also made his own. He saw no reason as to why sharing his bed with a man would warrant him death or eternity in purgatory. What he did was his own business.  
  
But that brought him back to Carl. He had never thought of the man as anything but a friend. Carl had been the only one he truly trusted to watch his back in a battle, and the only man that he counted on in a tight spot. He thought the man was a wonder, a brilliant philosopher and a compassionate brother until the end.  
  
Carl in actuality was the man he considered most important to him. Even when he found himself attracted to Anna, Carl was the one he went to sleep thinking about. And the man was the first thing on his mind in the morning. When in a battle he always feared for Carl's life, and this often caused him to make brash, idiot decisions, he decided. Carl was everything to him, and he did love Carl, but in the way Carl loved him?  
  
He did not know if he could love Carl the way the friar wanted, and he did not want to hurt his friend by denying the feelings. But he found he couldn't lie to the man either.  
  
Gabriel feared this had torn them apart. He was afraid Carl would do something drastic. Gabriel was frightened that if he did not love Carl in the right way now, he would never grow into it. He had a sinking feeling you couldn't grow into that sort of love.  
  
Gabriel sighed. He was due to leave for Paris in a few short days and now he would have to find another friar or monk to help him. He wondered briefly if Carl would accompany him, but thought ill of the idea moments later. Carl was in no state to travel with him, Gabriel mused, and he didn't know if they could ever travel together again.  
  
The next morning Carl accepted food for the first time in two days. He hastily the stale bread and drank his warm tea. It felt good to have nourishment in his body, but in a flash he was bringing the meal back up. He sat and sobbed, feeling wretched.  
  
He fought for control and was finally able to leave his room with destination in mind.  
  
Confession.  
  
He had not been in hours and it weighed heavily upon his soul—if he still had a soul, Carl countered. He needed to speak with a father upon his growing pain.  
  
He had just reached the main floor and turned a corner towards confession when he bounced off a strong object. He had failed to see the person coming towards him and the stairs, and in return he had rudely managed to hit them.  
  
"My apologies," Carl began. Then his eyes widened and he became aware that he was in someone's arms, and they were warm and strong. He delayed looking up at the face of the person he had run into, knowing who it was, but enjoying the fake innocence. When he realized God would know of this, he sprang back, turning away from Gabriel Van Helsing.  
  
"Carl, why do you turn from me?" Gabriel asked, stepping forward, and causing Carl to step back. "Am I not your friend?"  
  
"You do not wish to inflict harm upon me?" Carl asked, drawing a bit closer. "After what I said . . . " Carl trailed off.  
  
"Carl, you are my friend, and I will never hate you. I cannot hurt a man who speaks his heart, a man who care for my being and my safety. I certainly could not hate you, who had stood by my side through many undesirable situations. I could not even dislike you, Carl, for you have saved my life many times, far too many to count."  
  
"I was wrong to think and speak of forbidden things, forgive me Gabriel. I have attempted to tarnish what is pure. You must believe I did not set this purpose in spite of the love you held for Anna."  
  
Carl at this moment attempted to flee, but again Gabriel caught him in his arms. Carl found himself crushed to Gabriel's chest, and it felt good. He forgot his troubles and his sins. He forgot that he was on his way to confession. All he now cared about was being in the arms of Gabriel for the rest of his days.  
  
"But you cannot love me as the way I love you," He forced to Gabriel. "My love is aberrant, your love is for a woman. I must go to confessional."  
  
Gabriel made a last ditch grab for the man again, but Carl eluded him this time, and the friar was soon off down the long hall. "The only pure love is that which is between two people who love each other!" Gabriel listened to his words bounce off the tall ceiling and echo back at him.  
  
"Go to Paris!" Carl told him harshly.  
  
"I will speak with you!"  
  
By the time his words echoed back, Carl was gone and Gabriel was at the mercy of many harsh stares. He glared at the few who questioned him and marched off in search of a weapon to combat  
  
It was very late into the night when Gabriel made his way up to Carl's room. He was determined to speak with the man before he had to leave for Paris. Gabriel felt if he didn't resolve this issue with Carl in part, there would not being anything for him to come back to. Carl was the world to him, and it had to be done.  
  
Gabriel convinced himself to knock once on Carl's door before pushing it open and stepping in.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Carl asked, standing by the window, fully clothed despite the hour. "Why did you seek me out?"  
  
"I need to make you see me, Carl. You need to see that I do not understand, and you need to fix this."  
  
"I will not do this with you," Carl told him. "Not before you leave, and I will not let you give me nightmares."  
  
"Carl! Listen to yourself! Tell me why you avoid me when I have clearly stated I am not bothered by your confession."  
  
"I avoid you because I am hurt. I am hurt everytim I look at you and realize you shall never love me in sin as I love you. I am in pain because God, whom had placed great faith in me, I have betrayed. I am sworn not to sin, and I committed what should not be mentioned again."  
  
"Feelings and thoughts are your own. Yes, worship and love God, but realize you are your own person. If you so wish to love me, that should be your right!"  
  
"You are not a man of the cloth, Van Helsing, you would not understand. You can never understand my pledge to God. It would be as if you were touddenly to murder innocents, and like it. This is devastating upon my heart, soul and life."  
  
"I do not question your faith, or God, Carl, I merely question your happiness. You are hurting, and it pains me to see this. I do not understand how you can allow this to happen."  
  
"No, you do not understand, Van Helsing. My happiness does not matter, only what is right matters."  
  
"And what is right?"  
  
Carl rolled his eyes, pulling his arms around his body. "Good night, Gabriel Van Helsing."  
  
Suddenly he was snatched from behind and spun around. With his face merely inches from Gabriel's he began to feel dizzy and intoxicated. "What is right, Carl?"  
  
"God is right," He managed.  
  
"Is there not a difference between what is right for you, and what is right for him? Should you not be allowed a full life with your own joy? What love is right, Carl?"  
  
Carl defiantly managed to pull back a few inches. "God says man shall love woman. It was intended this way."  
  
"Perhaps for procreation, but there is love you feel for me, and is it wrong because you and I are men?"  
  
"I am not a man, I am a demon. Only a demon dreams of taking another man to his bed."  
  
Gabriel paused for a moment before sweeping down and capturing Carl's lips in a searing kiss. Carl had never felt anything as intense, and as Gabriel's tongue begged for access to his mouth, Carl found himself giving in. It felt so right, and it felt so pure. It made Carl feel as if he were the luckiest man in the world, and the only thing that mattered were Gabriel's hands drifting down his back.  
  
Carl allowed himself to be pulled upward when Gabriel's hands locked under his bottom and pulled him closer. Carl felt as if they had merged, and for the first time in his life felt complete. He felt as if he were a God himself.  
  
And at the thought of Godhood, and a hand slipping into his robes, he tore away, stumbling back and landing on his bed with a vicious thud. Lips red and swollen, chest heaving and mind spinning Carl forced himself fully onto the bed. "This cannot happen. I forbid you to touch me again. Leave me, Gabriel! Leave me and go to Paris! Do not come here again!"  
  
"Perhaps now you will understand pure love."  
  
Gabriel slammed his door harshly and Carl collapsed fully. Briefly his fingers came to his lips, and he touched them experimentally, feeling the swollen flesh.  
  
It was so wrong, but it had felt so right.  
  
Carl scrambled off the bed. He had to repent.  
  
TBC 


	3. Chapter Three

Deliverance

(Edit: Typo fixed)

Chapter Three:

Gabriel's absence had done many things for Carl over the past month. Some had been damaging, while most were refreshing. He was able to go about his daily life without constantly looked over his shoulder for the mysterious man. And certainly he slept easier at night. He took a fair amount of food in, and even managed a smile from time to time.

Of course Carl had known Gabriel would come back, and he'd bring up what Carl had fought to push down. The man had a way of forcing Carl to confront his darkest thoughts, and he did not doubt that given time, Gabriel would succeed again.

Without Gabriel heavy in his mind he was able to launch himself back into his work. He became a sort of madman in his workshop and had at least three things to leave for Gabriel. He was also able to devote his time to God. He attended services twice a day, studied the holy book hourly and managed confessional at least once a day.

Strangely he assumed he would feel closer to God. His devotion was at an all time high, and his faith had never been stronger. Instead he found there was a distance between his soul and God. He did not doubt God would show him mercy, or forgive him of his wicked ways. So he assumed it had to be something else. He had yet to figure out what that was, though.

Wednesday morning he walked soundlessly down a flight to stairs, eyes darting wildly and legs ready to carry him away if necessary. Gabriel had returned the night before, and Carl had no doubt the man would seek him out--it was merely his way.

As it so happened it was necessary for him to leave that morning. He had to purchase a few parts from a man in the city for his newest contraption. In a fit of frustration he had broken the only spare, and he desperately needed to finish his invention before Gabriel left again.

"Merciful God," He pleaded while being struck by the rain. He barely managed to close the doors behind him. It seemed to Carl that this was another test from God. It had been sunny the previous day, and the week before that. There had been no warning for the storm, and Carl did not appreciate it on his favorite day of the week. Yet he would not desist or give in to the seemingly demonic weather. He would fight the weather, secure what he needed and return to his sanctuary without complaining.

"I've been looking for you."

Carl knew right then he was going to complain a lot more.

He said nothing to the man trailing after him and continued on his way. He fought off the dark, knowing the rain had purged the streets from all light. Therefore he was left with his memory to guide him where he needed to be.

"I have given you time to think."

He had thought, but not of that. He had avoided that topic at all costs.

"Gabriel Van Helsing, I pray you will leave me." Bile was rising in his throat and the darkness that was Gabriel was seeping into him. He was losing his will power, and he remembered the last time that happened.

Gabriel's hand clutched his arm and stopped him in front of a darkened bakery. "That is now not possible, Carl. Perhaps before," He spoke quietly.

"Before?"

Both of Gabriel's hands slid to the top of his shoulder blades. His hands burned a white pain that reminded Carl of God's ever present eyes.

"Before I went away to Paris." The wind smashed the rain into them harshly and Gabriel moved them down a side alley where they were partially protected. "Watching men farm and women scrub floors for two weeks does give one time to think. And time to come to a decision."

He was afraid to ask what Gabriel had decided. He was beyond stubborn, and if he had gone and talked himself into something, Carl was worried about being able to convince him otherwise.

"Just listen, Carl," Gabriel requested, pulling the friar closer to him. "Before I left we spoke of love, and there was a disagreement of sorts. I have come to realize that such a disagreement will perhaps never change. I believe one way, and you believe another, it is merely who we are, Carl. Your faith guides you one way, and I follow a different route. Yet the questioning of your feelings led me to explore my own."

Carl felt his own fingers come up involuntarily to rest over Gabriel's hands.

"I wondered, as I sat on a roof of a Parisian house, how I had overlooked you. My conclusion came to be that you are the only steady and true thing in my life. You are my constant companion, and in a way invisible. I see you as my equal Carl, but I did not take the time to see you as anything else."

"Until I spoke," Carl volunteered.

Gabriel's hands slipped from his shoulders to the sides of his face. The man leaned in close and Carl became nervous.

"It took me a few days to realize that merely because I had been oblivious to these feelings, did not mean they did not exist. Do you understand what I am saying?"

Do I? Carl wondered.

"You know what I feel for you, Carl. You feel the same for me. Your heart beats wildly as mine does, and your soul begs for forgiveness, redemption and love all at once. You would take me to your bed as I would you."

"Don't!" Carl told him harshly, forcefully moving Gabriel off and away from him. "Do not speak such things in public, nor to me. I have wrestled with my doubt and my sin for a very long time, Gabriel Van Helsing. "I have wondered if by chance I would be allowed to be a man. Should I hide my love whiles others do not? But I choose my faith over your love, Gabriel, and I hope you will one day respect this decision."

Gabriel took his own step back, a look of defeat on his face. "I would never ask you to chose our love over your faith. I know how dearly precious it is to you, and it would not be my place to suggest such a thing. We may not share our love while we live, but rest assured the love I hold for you will surely live on once I am dead."

Carl had only blinked once but Gabriel was already gone. The friar took a moment to replay their conversation. What had Gabriel meant by the last statement? His tone of voice had indicated more than just a statement of love.

Invention parts forgotten he raced back to the church, ignoring the rain completely.

He had finally managed the courage to speak with another about his dilemma. Granted it was not a cardinal, or a bishop, but it was someone of the cloth that Carl knew would understand his faith. It just also happened to be a friend he had known for many years. If anything his friend would be able to set him right.

So he explained his situation and waited patiently for his friend to form his own opinion. Carl watched the different expressions and silent opinions formulate on the young man's face, until finally Carl felt he had reached an answer.

"If all of us were so lucky," He began slowly and cautiously, and Carl remembered he never said anything that wasn't worth saying. "The world would be a far brighter place. It is rare for a man such as Van Helsing to love, and even more so for him to dote out that love."

"But Gabriel is a man, as am I. The holy book is strikingly clear on these maters. To defy the book is to defy God."

"That has always been your problem." Carl peered questioningly at his friend and waited for him to continue. "You have always taken the book literally. It is now common belief that our book is more of a guide line to life, rather than dictation. Yes, the bible is clear that a man shall not lie with another, but there are circumstances you have not considered. Whom wrote the bible?"

Was it a trick question? Carl did not care for anything other than his friend's opinion at the moment.

"Men, Carl, men of many, many years ago. They do not have the right to tell us how to love. We follow God, and live by the book, but God and his way always takes precedence in our lives. We follow God always before the book. He teaches us that love is not to be judged, because it is the purest emotion of all. God loves us, his children, and he forgives us for our many sins. Easily he might turn his back on us, but because there is love, he withholds judgment until the very end of our lives. Those men who wrote the bible can not judge you unless you let them."

"What are you saying?" Carl asked desperately.

"Love Gabriel Van Helsing, and be loved. Trust in God and trust that he will forgive you for that love the same as forgetting a Hail Mary. Let yourself go, Carl. Let the lord guide you to where you should be in your life."

Carl sputtered and blinked, speechless. He pulled his brown robes closer to his body. "You're suggesting?"

His friend nodded. "Go to him, and we will speak of this no more. This love belongs to you and Van Helsing, and none other should be privilege to such information. Most others would not approve, but it is not for them to judge. Love Van Helsing, love God and love yourself, and nothing else will matter."

He couldn't move.

"Go!"

His heart lurched and he was off, racing through the halls looking for Gabriel. His fist struck Gabriel's door with excessive force. "Gabriel Van Helsing, you open this door immediately."

The door was flung open and a flustered, out of breath Carl came face to face with a drained and distracted Gabriel. "I, uh," He stumbled, hands twisting furiously in front of him. "Gabriel--" The left hand of God merely quirked an eyebrow upward, secretly pleased Carl had sought him out, yet confused for the same reason.

"Yes, Carl?"

Without warning Carl launched himself forward, throwing his arms around Gabriel's neck. "I am yours," He whispered, pressing his face into the taller man's neck. "If you, Gabriel Van Helsing will have me."

Gabriel held him tightly, and that was more than enough of an answer for Carl.

TBC . . .


End file.
